A shell of who I used to be

Ugh bad day, I am actually TTC as I grieve.    I went for a sonogram to check my follicle size and I cried thru the entire thing, all I could think was I miss my son and I want my son and I wish I was here getting a sonogram of him and I wish I could go back in time and save his life.  So I start my day with bloodwork and sonograms and then I have to go get a physical at work to return to work.  The NP started crying just hearing why I was out on disability.  Then  I try to run a few errands.  I go to the bank and a baby is there, then the teller tells me she LOVES my necklace.  I didn't have the heart or the strength to tell her it was my son who was born still at 34 weeks. I then decide I will cook dinner and go to the grocery store again to run into babies everywhere.  There was a newborn he was so adorable, I just wanted to cry and pack it in.  I feel like I am being tortured having to live this life without my son.  Everywhere I go is a trigger of pain.  I hate this new life.  I used to be fun and so innocent of the world.  Now I go thru the motions thinking this is pure torture this life I have to live.  I look at all the strangers out enjoying there day, they are so lucky.  This weekend is Octoberfest and I used to go every year.  I would have a blast, instead I have a counseling apt tomorrow then we are going to see my son's Grave and my fiancé's Mothers grave.  Then Sunday we are doing a walk for my son.  I just want to be laying around the house all day cuddling my baby boy who would be almost a month old if everything went the way it seems to go for all those happy strangers that piss me off just by there mere presence!  UGH