I went away again with my fiancé last night. I am trying so hard to do "normal" things with him. I don't want anyone to be as sad or miserable as I am. I had a decent time. My friends were kind and said how sorry they were about the baby. I know that takes courage, so many people say nothing and that hurts so much more. So I had a dream, I was going to check Benjamin's tombstone which should be ready any day and it was at a funeral home? When I walked in 3 dead babies were in basinets and Mother's were sitting to the side. It was a support group? I sat and joined them and told them I was Benjamin's Mom. He wasn't there thank god! So now this is my life, dreaming of dead babies, crying on the way to what should be a fun outing with friends, missing my son so much and missing the future I dreamed of having with him. I miss him so much and the life I thought I would be having that I feel pain in my heart. I will never fear death because even if I don't get to see him this heartache will stop because what people don't realize is I died when he died or at least a part of me.
I am still trying to have another baby, to give me some kind of purpose and to give my fiancé a baby. He deserves to be a Father. I wish we started trying as soon as we met.
I am 99% sure I am not pregnant but I am hoping I get a positive this week as it is my fiancés Birthday, what a gift I hope I can give him and also the gift of getting a little more of me back?
Mommy misses you Benjamin and loves you so so very much.
No comments:
Post a Comment