Shower Thank you Cards

I know I didn't have to mail them but they were sitting in Benjamin's room and everyone had already written the address on the return envelope because we played a game at the shower.  I had my shower a week before he died.  I didn't even finish putting stuff away.  Stupid me, I thought I had 6 weeks to finish his room and put his cute clothes away.  Anyway, I enjoyed writing the notes thanking the people I love for coming to celebrate Benjamin.  I know they were happy for me and loved him also.  However, I go to the post office and the postal worker looks at this pregnant lady (guessing 8 or 9 months) and says to another lady, "Does she know what she is getting herself into?"  and the other woman laughs and says, "I know it is so hard ha ha"  and they both have their chuckle.  I am so glad I wasn't the person she said it too.  I was thinking, you don't know hard.  What is hard is NOT hearing your baby cry, not having sleepless nights because they baby needed to be fed or needed a cuddle or to be rocked.  What I GIVE to rock my baby to sleep, to stay up all night staring at his precious face and kiss his tiny forehead.  I just still am floored everywhere I go I see a reminder.........a reminder of what  I lost.
I miss you Benjamin and I love you so so very much!

The Walking Dead

When I run my errands with my fake smile I feel like I am the walking dead.  I have this horrible wound but no one can see it.  A part of my heart died with Benjamin on 8/6/13 yet it continues to beat so no none sees my pain or my wounds.  At times in public my eyes fill with tears and I pray no one can see them as I quickly turn away.  I miss my baby so much it physically hurts.  I hope he is watching over me to give me strength to carry on until I see him and hold him again.
Love you Benjamin

Benjamin........It's a Boy!

It is so funny, my entire life I always thought I would have a little girl.  I used to look at little girls longing to have one of my own.  When I found out I was having a boy I was petrified.  I knew his Daddy would have him in all kinds of sports.  I would be the worried Mom in the stands rooting him on and secretly praying he would be safe.  Now, I barely give little girls a glance.  I just stare at little boys and wonder, what would Benjamin look like at that age?  I want to dress him in little ties and sports jackets.  I want to watch him play baseball.  I want to teach him to be a little gentleman and say please and thank you.  I want to kiss him every morning and every night.  Instead I say Good Morning to my son and Good Night but he is not here with me.  Hopefully he is watching over me.

Due Date has arrived

Today should be the best day in my life, the day my son was expected to be born.  However, he was born still 41 days ago.  Instead my blog will be started as I continue to try to celebrate his short time with me and also grieve the loss of him.