Does it ever get better?

I lost my son less then 3 months ago and I thought I was doing a little better.  The physical chest pain went away.  My heart still aches and I cry all the time but since going back to work I feel worse.  I hate having people see me and thinking I am OK.  I can't stop thinking of my baby.  What kind of baby would he be?  I wish I could see him wrap his little arms around his Father when he got home from work.  I wish he was here to snuggle with and dress him up and kiss him all over.  I look forward to death.  I would NEVER do anything because I would not want my family to feel the pain I am feeling but either  I will see him again or I will stop this aching heartache of missing him.  I can't stand it, I enjoy nothing.  I try and I feel like a ghost of the person I used to be.  I have dreamed of being a Mommy my entire life and at 41 years old I was 6 weeks away from having it all.  I don't know how people get thru this and when it will get bearable?  I know in time it has to right?  I know I will always miss him but will I ever enjoy anything again???????????????  This is so unfair, people have it so easy and don't appreciate it.  I feel like I am put on this earth to make people feel better about their lives.  They hush and whisper, "Poor Jenny, things could be worse, you could be her".  I have now scared people into getting extra sonograms and scared other friends to start trying now.  Where was my warning???? I thought I was safe?  If there is a God, I hope he shows me some mercy and sends me a rainbow soon.  It is the only chance I have of having joy again.  sorry it is a pity party but you guys are the only people that will understand my pain. 

I dream of dead babies

I went away again with my fiancé last night.  I am trying so hard to do "normal" things with him.  I don't want anyone to be as sad or miserable as I am.  I had a decent time.  My friends were kind and said how sorry they were about the baby.  I know that takes courage, so many people say nothing and that hurts so much more.  So I had a dream, I was going to check Benjamin's tombstone which should be ready any day and it was at a funeral home?  When I walked in 3 dead babies were in basinets and Mother's were sitting to the side.  It was a support group?  I sat and joined them and told them I was Benjamin's Mom.  He wasn't there thank god!  So now this is my life, dreaming of dead babies, crying on the way to what should be a fun outing with friends, missing my son so much and missing the future I dreamed of having with him.  I miss him so much and the life I thought I would be having that I feel pain in my heart.  I will never fear death because even if I don't get to see him this heartache will stop because what people don't realize is I died when he died or at least a part of me. 
I am still trying to have another baby, to give me some kind of purpose and to give my fiancé a baby.  He deserves to be a Father.  I wish we started trying as soon as we met.
I am 99% sure I am not pregnant but I am hoping I get a positive this week as it is my fiancés Birthday, what a gift I hope I can give him and also the gift of getting a little more of me back? 

Mommy misses you Benjamin and loves you so so very much.

Happy Birthday to me NOTTTTT

My heart is broken and everyone telling me Happy Birthday doesn't help, what is happy about it?  I am 42 years old today another year of no baby and my birthday just is a sign that the odds are more and more against me.  I thought this year would be different.  My baby boy should be a month old and snuggling here with me.  I should be covered in baby puke and baby powder.  I am TTC and trying to hold on but my heart is aching and now the guilt is back.  Why did my body fail him?  What did I do?   I would gladly give my life for him to bring him back because life here without him is no life really at all.  I will put on a brave face for the people that love me and go to a nice quiet dinner with my fiancé but this is pure torture.  I have my good days but holidays and birthdays are just reminders of what should have been. 
Mommy misses you Benjamin and I hope you know how much I love you and I am sorry for anything I missed that could have saved you. 

I don't want to go back to work

I lost my son Benjamin August 6th and I have cried everyday since.  Yes, the tears are not all day like they were in the beginning but it still happens at least once a day.  I miss him and I wish he was cuddling on the couch with me as I changed his diaper and kissed his belly and squeezed his little hands and toes.  I have come so far, the first month I couldn't get off the couch just to shower.  I can now go into public without breaking down as much.  Now I have one hurdle to get over and that is work.  It will be like reopening a wound.  People will either not mention it or I will have to relive it all over again.  Not to mention the added stress.  I wish you could take 6 months off for the death of a child, it doesn't seem like asking for much.  My family and friends, well most of them want me to go back.  I think they think the distraction will be helpful and to them it is sign " I am better".  However, there is no distraction from grieving your baby and let's be honest we will never be the same naïve people we were. I will never be "better" this is the new me take it or leave it.  I had no idea anything could hurt so much or I could love this intensely.  I knew I would love Benjamin, I had no idea it would feel like my heart was ripped out to be here without him.  I love you Benny so so very much so so so very much. 
Oh PS follicles are 17.5 and 18  IUI Friday so we shall see if Benny sends me someone to love and bring real joy again to my life.

Dare I try again?

People are starting to ask, are you going to try again?  I have no choice I have to try again.   I can not lose Benjamin and my dream of being a Mother in the same year.  I cry thru the sonograms because I want to see Benny in the picture.  I don't get it, it seems so easy for others.  I had 2 miscarriages before Benjamin.  I had the nickname Bean for the 2nd miscarriage.  I hope Bean and Benny watch over me and approve of us trying again.  I had 2 follicles today and have to go back tomorrow for another ultrasound.  I think TTC while grieving is heartbreaking but I can think of nothing else that might help me become somewhat of myself again. 

Benjamins first friend

Benjamin your first friend was born, you were going to go on many play dates with him.  He was one month younger then you and I couldn't wait for the play dates with his Mommy.  We could drink tea or wine while you played.  I wish you were here to meet him..................

A shell of who I used to be

Ugh bad day, I am actually TTC as I grieve.    I went for a sonogram to check my follicle size and I cried thru the entire thing, all I could think was I miss my son and I want my son and I wish I was here getting a sonogram of him and I wish I could go back in time and save his life.  So I start my day with bloodwork and sonograms and then I have to go get a physical at work to return to work.  The NP started crying just hearing why I was out on disability.  Then  I try to run a few errands.  I go to the bank and a baby is there, then the teller tells me she LOVES my necklace.  I didn't have the heart or the strength to tell her it was my son who was born still at 34 weeks. I then decide I will cook dinner and go to the grocery store again to run into babies everywhere.  There was a newborn he was so adorable, I just wanted to cry and pack it in.  I feel like I am being tortured having to live this life without my son.  Everywhere I go is a trigger of pain.  I hate this new life.  I used to be fun and so innocent of the world.  Now I go thru the motions thinking this is pure torture this life I have to live.  I look at all the strangers out enjoying there day, they are so lucky.  This weekend is Octoberfest and I used to go every year.  I would have a blast, instead I have a counseling apt tomorrow then we are going to see my son's Grave and my fiancé's Mothers grave.  Then Sunday we are doing a walk for my son.  I just want to be laying around the house all day cuddling my baby boy who would be almost a month old if everything went the way it seems to go for all those happy strangers that piss me off just by there mere presence!  UGH

A Pumpkin for my Pumpkin

I brought a little pumpkin to Benjamin's grave today. It was so cute yet so sad. I wish I was taking fall pictures of him as a 2 month old baby surrounded by fall leaves and pumpkins. Instead I go to a grave asking him to watch over me and maybe send me a little brother or sister I can tell them all about him.    Then can I came home and gave myself a fertility shot, am I really going to dream again?  Yep this is my life, shots and graves.
Benjamin, Mommy misses you so so very much and loves you so so very much. I hope you like your fall pumpkin.