The blizzard of 2014

Benjamin would be 5 months today. We are under a blizzard warning and I started crying because I wish I was telling him the story some day of how he was 5 months old and we had a blizzard. I wish I would have stories to tell him. The holidays were hard enough, his first Halloween, his first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas together and now I am sad because he is missing his first blizzard. So many firsts we are all missing out on, his first crawl, his first giggle, his first word, the first time he stood, the first time he spoke, the first time he told me he loved me. I miss you so much Benjamin and I pray I get to meet you again and hold you and kiss you from head to your tiny perfect toes. Love Mommy, Daddy and your furry brother Jager

Looking for a dream house and a room for Benjamin

We are on the 5 year plan and no where near ready to buy a new house.  however, me and my fiancé always love to take drives and dream a little and look at new builds.  Today he wanted to get me out of the house so we got some coffees and off we went.  We looked at a gorgeous house about 100,000 over our budget.  It was beautiful but so hard to see all of the kids rooms.  How I wish I could have a house full of children and how I wish more then all of that that I was looking to see which bedroom Benjamin would want.  My fiancé is such an optimist and was asking what school districts the kids would be in?  He breaks my heart he is so sure we will get our miracle baby.  Yet, I am currently miscarrying a chemical pregnancy and we have been pregnant 4 times and our only baby is Benjamin who was born still at 34 weeks.  I smile to hide my pain and I go on because so many people love me but the truth is I don't know how much more I have left.  I wish I could curl up in a bawl and just give up.  Life has me beat.  I have my good days but I am starting to lose hope that I won't get my happy ending.  We would be such good parents and have so much LOVE to give.  I have to sit by and smile and say congrats to everyone else that seems to have no problems getting pregnant.  I need to be honest and this is the only place I can be.  I think the only one that knows how much I still suffer is my little beagle because he sees me crying when no one is around and he comes and gives me a snuggle.  God how I miss my son and I miss the piece of my heart that died with him on August 6th.  I pray that 2014 is a better year and we get our rainbow.  I hope Benjamin is watching over us and knows how much he is missed.  

Looking for a dream house and a room for Benjamin

We are on the 5 year plan and no where near ready to buy a new house.  however, me and my fiancé always love to take drives and dream a little and look at new builds.  Today he wanted to get me out of the house so we got some coffees and off we went.  We looked at a gorgeous house about 100,000 over our budget.  It was beautiful but so hard to see all of the kids rooms.  How I wish I could have a house full of children and how I wish more then all of that that I was looking to see which bedroom Benjamin would want.  My fiancé is such an optimist and was asking what school districts the kids would be in?  He breaks my heart he is so sure we will get our miracle baby.  Yet, I am currently miscarrying a chemical pregnancy and we have been pregnant 4 times and our only baby is Benjamin who was born still at 34 weeks.  I smile to hide my pain and I go on because so many people love me but the truth is I don't know how much more I have left.  I wish I could curl up in a bawl and just give up.  Life has me beat.  I have my good days but I am starting to lose hope that I won't get my happy ending.  We would be such good parents and have so much LOVE to give.  I have to sit by and smile and say congrats to everyone else that seems to have no problems getting pregnant.  I need to be honest and this is the only place I can be.  I think the only one that knows how much I still suffer is my little beagle because he sees me crying when no one is around and he comes and gives me a snuggle.  God how I miss my son and I miss the piece of my heart that died with him on August 6th.  I pray that 2014 is a better year and we get our rainbow.  I hope Benjamin is watching over us and knows how much he is missed.  

Today your journey began Benjamin

Last year on this day I had my artificial insemination done. We don't know if that got us pregnant or it happened on our own but today is his day the journey began.  I had no idea I was pregnant last Christmas other then I feel asleep at my soon to be in laws and woke up so embarrassed.  Now I know why I was so tired.  I thought this Christmas he would be here with me to love and cuddle and spoil.  What a difference a year makes. 
Benjamin Pasquale Mommy and Daddy love you so so very much and miss you.  There will not be a day my heart does not ache for you or a day I don't think of you.   Every time I hear a train I think of you.  I was so sad in the grocery store today and sure enough a train sound went on.  I know it was you giving me courage to get thru the holiday craze and not let me fall apart in the middle of the aisle.  You are with me always in my heart, my soul, my blood and bones.  I would give my life to have you here on earth.  I am so sorry sweet boy you are not here with us.  I just hope you are in a better place.  It is the only thing that keeps me going.  I wish you a Merry Christmas. 

In Heaven we will Meet again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz0Rhk9NJ9Y this song says it all
The song Still by Gerritt Hofsink

Hospital called

The hospital called and they said my pictures were ready, I had no idea what they were talking about.  It was SUCH a great surprise that the nurse took photos of my baby and I was bawling with tears of joy for once.  They are beautiful.  I miss my son so much.

As for the TTC front I am meeting with a Dr. tomorrow to discuss IVF.  I am desperate to have a baby here on earth to hold and love and teach and watch then grow. 

I look for you in the clouds

I always look for signs of you Benny in the clouds, a shape of a heart, or a baby, or a baby that looks like a sonogram picture!   I miss you!  I got my period and can't really try this month since Daddy will be out of town............nothing really to look forward to now.  I am still going to try just won't use meds because we only get 3 months of insurance and we already didn't have success in October so 2 more months to go then maybe IVF ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh